Why don't you ever talk to your brother when he comes back?

It has always been like that.

Only after I was asked, I realised that the tension was still there. I don't seem to know and seem to care. It's not the age gap, and its not the gender issues that doesn't restrict siblings.
I am still keeping my distance from him. I learned from past experiences that, to avoid conflict, just remain silent and minimise contact. And I am still holding on to that principle, in this case.

Yes, I know its all in the past it should be long forgotten and forgiven and I know I can't blame him for his past mistakes. But you can't blame me for hating it. You can't just pretend it didn't happen.. that easily.

You might think a sorry would fix everything. It was easy for him, I have to say. He didn't have to deal with the aftermath of his tantrums. He didn't have to feel scared every night worrying about the yelling and fights. He wasn't the one who heard our parents sigh. He wasn't the one who have to face our parent's red eyes. He wasn't the one who received the blow in the eyes. He had no idea the damage he caused.

Ok try to imagine this scenario
Let's say a chunk of meat is removed from your arm. An extremely big wound, painful and bleeding like hell. And so you let it heal by itself, slowly and eventually but painfully the bleeding will stop and the wound dries up. But the wound never covers back and the ugly old scar will be there with you for life. And occasionally, it bleeds again when there is a gentle bump.

That is how I describe my situation. I've persuade myself to forgive him, and which I did as there weren't always the bad times. But there is where I left everything to be. From that onwards I didn't make any extra effort to improve my understanding and caring for him. I wasn't the one to initiate the conversation. He was just like a regular 6 year older than me senior who I met occasionally and has access to home. I don't think we even had any heart to heart brother to sister conversation. At all. Nothing more and less.

It is quite saddening when I am thinking of all this. Because we'll be going our separate ways- he's getting married soon which I am really happy for him, he's going to have a family of his own and I'll be studying in which maybe the next 5 years our contact will be further deprived of. I can kind of imagine in the next further years... we would be like total strangers. Maybe just a hi and bye between us but things may go for the better I dunno.

I know no matter what, he's of the same surname as me we share some common genes and he's my brother. He is a member of the family and I should love him as a sister which I do, and I'm hoping that things between us will change, someday.